Leon M Lederman, the Nobel Prize-winning physicist, says in his
book, The God Particle: If the Universe Is the
Answer, What Is the Question?
that he gave the Higgs boson the nickname
"The God Particle" because "the publisher wouldn't let us
call it the Goddamn Particle, though that might be a more appropriate title,
given its villainous nature and the expense it is causing."
At Sensation TV, the TV News anchor was in a fine frenzy. They had found the Grand Old Man’s particle. What a great television moment this was. He had even managed to get Mr Particle Physicist to talk to him before the other channels hijacked him.
TV News Anchor:
All these years, a lot of us on this planet believed God created the world, and
you guys now say you’ve tracked down the actual culprit...the little fellow
that started this whole mess... that God can be absolved of all
responsibility?
Mr Particle Physicist:
Er...apart from the fact that this little guy has been a vital missing link in
our understanding of nature, and has also been maddeningly elusive, I’m not
sure it has anything else in common with your ‘God’. In fact, if Lederman’s
publisher had been less pernickety, we’d be popping the bubbly for the ‘Goddamn’
particle right now. And a damn good thing that would have been, too. At least
it would have saved us the embarrassment of explaining away the ‘God’ in this
particle.
As for your question about whether it started the whole
mess, I really couldn’t tell you much about that at this point. All I can say
is that this extremely short-lived little fellow most probably started most of the ‘mass’ thingy...at least,
that’s what many of us believe.
TV News Anchor: Can you explain that for our viewers, Mr
Particle Physicist?
Mr Particle Physicist:
Oh well...let me see... we believe that after the Big Bang, these chappies
formed the sticky Higgs field, which by impeding the movement of the other
particles, gave them mass. Basically these guys kept the other fellas from
flying off in all directions...you know, sort of nudged them to stick together,
eventually leading to the formation of stars and galaxies...and Rajnikant.
TV News Anchor: Some
of our viewers want to ask you some questions. The first is one Mr Weight-Watcher.
Mr Weight-Watcher:
If this is the particle that gives matter its mass, then can we fix our Body
Mass Index by fixing the surrounding Higgs Field?
Mr Particle Physicist:
Considering that these particles are extremely elusive and that we’ve spent
trillions of dollars just to get a few signals from them, I’d suggest that you
wait till we uncover anti-matter. You could perhaps use that as an antidote to the
excess ‘matter’ you obviously suffer from.
TV News Anchor:
The next one to call in is Ms Stock Exchanger. Come in, Ma’am.
Ms Stock Exchanger:
Now that you guys think you’ve found your ‘goddamn’ particle, why don’t you put
some time and money into tracking the elusive factor that helps people to make
money on stock exchanges?
Mr Particle Physicist:
Like I said before, we are only trained to track particles named after ‘God’,
not the Big Guy himself.
TV News Anchor: And
the last question comes to you from Dr Manmohan Singh, the Prime Minister of
India. Go ahead, Dr Singh.
Dr Manmohan Singh:
Will CERN consider a bilateral agreement to supply equipment that could create
a Higgs Field for politicians in India? We can definitely do with additional
‘mass’ support after all those ‘massive’ frauds.
Mr Particle Physicist:
But Sir, you’ll probably need to put yourself through the Big Bang first and
create yourselves anew before the Higgs field could do its job.
Dr Manmohan Singh:
I will take up this ‘matter’ with the GoM.
TV News Anchor:
With that we wrap up this special edition on the sighting of the ‘God
particle’.
A voice booms across
the heavens: That Goddamn particle has given me no peace in the past two
days. Now everybody thinks they’ve tracked me down. I feel as though I’m
already in the FBI’s custody. Hey you, Sound Angel, turn off that eavesdropping
device that keeps me posted about what those earthlings are saying about
me.
